


The Retreat

by Nary



Category: Diablotin
Genre: Arguing, Boys Kissing, Caretaking, Conflict Resolution, Dating, Established Relationship, Future Fic, Gender Issues, Gender or Sex Swap, Hugs, M/M, Parenthood, Pregnancy, Romance, Self-Esteem Issues, Shapeshifting, Trope Bingo Round 3
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-25
Updated: 2014-03-25
Packaged: 2018-01-16 23:05:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,993
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1365067
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nary/pseuds/Nary
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Xan didn't normally have much of a sweet tooth, but being pregnant had made him crave some odd things.  Pastries were fairly run of the mill, at least.  Last time it had been strawberries, in First-month.  Justen had wound up paying a ridiculous amount of money for a handful of magically-grown berries.  It had been worth it to see the look on Xan's face, though - and to get to lick the juice off his fingers afterwards.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Retreat

"I think I'll go into the city tomorrow - do you want me to get you anything?"

Xan looked up from his book, momentarily grumpy at being interrupted before he realized what Justen was saying. "I have a list of things I want from the Castalia library," he said, pointing to his desk. Knowing Xan, it was probably a long list. He was currently nestled on the sofa in the midst of a large number of cushions and blankets. "And we're almost out of ginger tea, so could you get some more of that? And some éclairs from Arnaud's?" Xan didn't normally have much of a sweet tooth, but being pregnant had made him crave some odd things. Pastries were fairly run of the mill, at least. Last time it had been strawberries, in First-month. Justen had wound up paying a ridiculous amount of money for a handful of magically-grown berries. It had been worth it to see the look on Xan's face, though - and to get to lick the juice off his fingers afterwards.

"Ginger tea and éclairs, got it." He added them to their grocery list. They were currently living in an abandoned tower on an island in the middle of a lake north of Ingeval, isolated from pretty much everything except each other. Even the nearest village was about five leagues away, and for whatever reason the people there considered this place to have a bad reputation, and usually avoided it. Xan had been delighted to come across it a few years ago as part of a job he'd been working on, and had kept it at the back of his mind as a possible place to retreat to when he needed some peace and quiet. 

Then they'd decided, after tossing the idea around and arguing over whether it was a good idea and going back and forth about it for ages, that they wanted to have a child together. And since Xan found it extremely disconcerting when Justen took a female form even for a short period of time, it would have to be him that carried it. Justen was fine with Xan with a female body - although to be honest, he had changed himself into the most boyish girl ever, so there wasn't even that much difference in his appearance apart from a few crucial areas. But despite that, Xan hadn't wanted the rest of the world to know what they were doing. "It's none of their business," was his repeated grumble. A few people were aware of their plans to expand their family - Mercy, of course, and Solange, and Xan's parents - but even with those he was closest to, Xan wasn't very interested in having visitors. The isolated tower had been a perfect solution, once they'd fixed it up and furnished it suitably. Justen made trips into the city whenever they needed food or other supplies, while Xan was content to curl up on the couch and catch up on his reading. 

It wasn't Justen's idea of a dream vacation - it was very quiet, and often dull when Xan was absorbed in his studies. Justen had books of his own, but even with the glasses that helped him decipher their contents, he was never as enthusiastic a reader as Xan. He went out and explored the woods around the tower occasionally, hunting or fishing in the lake, but Xan didn't like for him to go too far away on his own. Justen enjoyed having the uninterrupted time with his partner, away from the demands of everyday life, and he was excited (and more than a bit nervous) at the prospect of the child that would make its appearance in about four months' time, but he also missed the hustle and bustle of the city, and his friends, and his job. To be perfectly honest, they could have gone another few days without a shopping trip, but he was feeling restless, and it was a convenient excuse to get away for a little while.

"Depending on how long everything takes, I might stay overnight and come back the following day," he told Xan, almost as an afterthought. He had done that before, taking the opportunity to visit with family and friends in the evening, or going out to a party or a nightclub.

Xan looked up at him more sharply this time. "Oh? Did you have plans with someone?"

"No, nothing specific," Justen told him. "I just thought I might see if anything fun was going on…" 

He regretted his choice of words almost immediately. "No, I suppose this isn’t very _fun_ for you," Xan said bitterly. "It isn’t very fun for me either, but I don’t have the choice to run away from it whenever it gets difficult."

"I’m not ‘running away,’" Justen protested. "I’m going into the city to do some errands - several of them for you, I might add - and if I want to take an evening to see people while I’m there, I don’t think that’s unreasonable. I’ll be back the next morning."

"Smelling of booze and cigars and… and women," Xan retorted, leveraging himself up off the sofa with some difficulty given his increased weight. "I’m sure you’ll have a wonderful time without me," he said with a grimace.

"Void, Xan, when I agreed to this I didn’t know I was signing up for a year in a monastery! I’m not saying we have to move back to the city, I know you don’t want that right now, but I need to get out every so often or else I’ll go stir crazy!"

"You 'agreed' to this?" Xan's eyes flashed dangerously. "Like having a child was my idea and you're just going along with it to... what, to humour me?"

"That's not what I meant," Justen said defensively. "I meant coming out here to the middle of nowhere - that was all your plan, and I said fine because I know how many sacrifices you're making in order to do this... for us. But I'm not like you, I need to talk to other people once in a while, see other things..." He reached out to Xan, trying to bridge the gap between them, but Xan pulled away angrily. 

"Is this what it's going to be like after the baby comes too? You going out whenever you want because you 'need to get away for a bit', while I'm stuck at home?"

"No, of course not! You know that I'll do whatever I can to be a good father. I'll take care of the baby when you have work, or need to go to the library, or whatever, just like I know you'll do the same for me. We'll share the responsibilities. I'll feed the baby - I can do that as well as you can. I'd have done this part too if you'd wanted me to," he added more quietly. 

"Well, I didn't want that," Xan sniffled, folding his arms above the rounded swell of his belly. "I just didn't think it would be this hard. And I hate it when you go away."

"I'm sorry we can't share the work of being pregnant. It's not fair. I'm trying to do the best I can to make things easier for you, though." He reached out again, and this time Xan let him enfold him in his embrace, his rounded belly nestled up to Justen. "But you don't want me here, underfoot, being grumpy and getting on your nerves anyway. We'll both be happier if we get a bit of a break, so we aren't snapping at each other all the time."

"I know," Xan mumbled against his chest. "I just get worried when you're gone - what if something happened?"

"To me?" Justen was surprised. "I can take care of myself, Xan, nothing bad is going to happen to me on a day trip into the city."

"No, to me," Xan said, his voice now barely above a whisper. "What if y-you were gone and something happened to me, or to the b-baby, and there was no one to help..."

Justen suppressed the urge to point out that this was why most people didn't choose to give birth in abandoned towers in the middle of nowhere. It had to be scary for Xan to be in a position this vulnerable, where all of his magical skill and education couldn't help him - it was frightening to imagine all the things that could go wrong, now that Xan had put the idea in his head. "You can teleport too - you could come find me, or Mercy, or your mother, if something didn't feel right."

Xan looked up at him, eyes big and worried. "What if I didn't know something was wrong until it was too late? What if I... fell down the stairs and hit my head and passed out, and you weren't there to help me?" 

"Is that really what you're afraid of?" Justen asked, holding him close and stroking his fine blond hair.

"Maybe. No. I don't know," Xan sighed. "I just hate feeling so out of control. Like my body isn't even mine anymore."

"If it makes you feel any better, I know lots of women say the same thing when they're pregnant... no? Okay," he said, dropping that line of thought. "Well, it's only for a few more months, and then you'll have your body back the way it was before." 

"I feel gross and fat and weird. And... and no wonder you want to go away and see other people, because you couldn't possibly want me like this," Xan said, trailing off into sniffles.

"Oh... Xan, you're still beautiful to me. I love you so much, more than I can say. And I still want you - I know you don't always feel sexy like this, but you are." He tipped Xan's face up towards his for a kiss, which Xan returned with a hungry eagerness despite his tears. 

"You're still going to go, aren't you," Xan muttered, resigned, when they finally broke apart for breath. 

"Well, we do still need ginger tea and éclairs," Justen said with a slight smile. "But you know, it was never about getting away from you - I just assumed you wouldn't want to join me, that you'd prefer the peace and quiet. Was I wrong about that?" 

Xan shook his head. "I don't want anyone to see me like this. Other than you, I mean," he added, leaning against Justen once more. 

"They wouldn't have to," Justen told him. "We could teleport home, and you could sit out on the balcony and get some fresh air and sunshine - it'll be warmer there than here, it's so much further south - and I can run the errands that need doing and then pick up a nice meal for both of us from Stella's, or The Spiced Pear, or wherever you'd prefer. And those éclairs from Arnaud's for dessert, of course. You wouldn't have to be seen by anyone if you didn't want to - although if you did want some company while I'm out, I know Mercy and Solange would love to come over. They always ask after you and want to know how you're doing. Mercy says it's payback for everything you put her through," he teased gently.

"I'm not sure," Xan said, but Justen could sense he was wavering, so he deployed the final piece of his argument as skilfully as he would in a trial.

"You'd be able to look over all those books you want from the Castalia yourself, and weed out the ones that are useless - maybe even send me back for more before we leave." 

Xan gave him a hint of a smile. "That does sound nice," he admitted grudgingly. "But what about your plans for going out and socializing?"

"I will be socializing. It's called a date," Justen said, smiling back. "And there's no one I'd rather spend a romantic evening with than you."

**Author's Note:**

> You can find me on Tumblr at [naryrising](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/naryrising) if you want to ask questions, make requests, or chat!


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